As I reflect back on the last year, I see that there have been so many people that I’ve had to literally shut out of my life. Like on purpose throw them out or instead pull out stunts that put them off and force them to leave. It’s not because they started being toxic, or weren’t good enough, but because somehow their presence wasn’t contributing in a positive way in my life. As many of you who know me, it’s very hard for me to let go of people, especially the ones who’ve done things for me. And because of that I keep trying, trying and sticking out for them until I reach a saturation point for one of us. I could never be like, “okay I’ve given this person the margin for all the debts I’m due, and I can’t anymore, so fuck it.” Instead I’ve always been this “okay, this person has been there for me, so no matter how many a times he/she is a total jerk asshole, I’m going to bear it out and stick out for them” girl.
It’s only this year that I realized how important it was for me to let these people go, no literally, shut them off, throw them out, whatever. Not because they were bad people, no they weren’t, but because our frequencies couldn’t match anymore.
We stumble upon strangers and choose them as friends because they match our wavelengths or in some ways, connect to us on a whole different level.
But it doesn’t mean that you get to keep them forever and force their existence in your life. You’ve to ask yourself – is a friendship/relationship even a friendship/relationship when it starts feeling like a mountain on your back? When it starts getting exhausting? When you’re in a table full of people who are having dumb judgemental conversations, and you’re just sitting there smiling through your way because you’ve to be there for some reason, looking at your watch and wondering when the hell would you be outta here?
There have been so many a times that I’ve had to be around people just because of one friend whose company I don’t even enjoy and I come home feeling exhausted and utterly feeling “what a waste of time”. Sometimes, I have pitied myself as to why I would let myself go through such a strenuous process?
And it’s only this year that I realized that I do not owe anyone anything, that I do not have to be supportive to anyone other than me, that the only thing that I owe is to this world that keeps supplying endless opportunities my way with endless people. It’s only this year I realized that in the process of building myself as a person who I can respect, I have to not let myself down to prevent ‘not letting others down.’
As this year ends, please take out time to introspect and find the holes of toxicity.
You don’t have to start shooting those holes already. Take your time. But please be aware of them. So, the coming year you save yourself the time and energy of recognizing those bullets points and suffering. So, the coming year, is spent in making you bulletproof.
Well, here’s to that.