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It’s weird how one day you wake up, look at yourself in the mirror and realize that you are a different person altogether. You try to recall how it happened because your face looks exactly how it did a day ago, or a week ago, or a month ago, or a year ago. The moment of realization just hits you and you start calculating, rewinding, reanalysing.
You try to remember the last time you went out clubbing or actually said yes to a plan with your ‘ever partying youthful friends’, the last time you had a boy on your mind instead of work priorities, the last time you were hyper-ventilating because of a relationship problem and not because of your constant fear that you would never be one of the greats and that the world would beat you down if you aren’t great enough at what you do, the last time you said yes to sudden vacation plans with your girlies instead of sudden quality family time, the last time you were obsessing over the pictures on social media and not over successful stories of successful people on the Forbes or Times magazine.
You can’t really figure it out as to when exactly this change crept it’s way into your life.
You brew your coffee and you think, and you think, and you think. How did this stage come so early in your life when all your friends are just dropping drunk and having fun?
Are they aimless or are you too ambitious? Do they have everything planned out or are you just trying to be a stuck-up perfectionist? Are you really that busy or are they really that free? Have you started becoming anti-social or does wasted time repel you more than wasted money and wasted friends? Are you a pompous snob for thinking this way or are you just trying to think like an adult? Are you giving up on life’s fun moments or are you just trying not to miss out on adulthood?
You sip your coffee gingerly and you realize that not everyone’s path has to be the same. Not everyone wants the same things from life as you do. Not everyone seeks the rush, the zeal, the covet of being infinite, the constant itching to be great,the passion to be travelling all around the world doing what you love, to meet new people every single day who lift you up and connect with your intellect.
You look at your half empty cup of coffee on the kitchen counter and wonder if you are going to regret it. You sigh, and you look at the birds outside, flying without fear, without bondage, without burden, without the worries of finding a home, without a care in the world.
You look down at your half full cup of coffee and know that it’s going to be worth it. Every moment, every second spent, every sweat laboured, every tear, every laughter, throughout your journey would be worth it.
If those birds out there have a home to go back to every evening and a reason to wake up to with the sunrise every morning, then why wouldn’t you? You realize that albeit your path is the most unclear part of your life right now, it doesn’t eradicate the purpose of it. Maybe this is the hardest part of growing up. When you don’t really have answers to everything and all you can do is take one step at a time and keep moving.
Just get through the day and keep polishing yourself through every step. Repeat.
You finish your coffee and you smile. You smile not because there is an eerie feeling about calmness during chaos, about keeping yourself composed when you have waves of turmoil crashing inside you, about being in repose when you are delirious, but because you know that you’d be contemplating the same thoughts over coffee tomorrow morning and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.
You are going to feel the heat of panic one moment and the congenial tranquillity the next.
So until you figure it out, Repeat.
As I reflect back on the last year, I see that there have been so many people that I’ve had to literally shut out of my life. Like on purpose throw them out or instead pull out stunts that put them off and force them to leave. It’s not because they started being toxic, or weren’t good enough, but because somehow their presence wasn’t contributing in a positive way in my life. As many of you who know me, it’s very hard for me to let go of people, especially the ones who’ve done things for me. And because of that I keep trying, trying and sticking out for them until I reach a saturation point for one of us. I could never be like, “okay I’ve given this person the margin for all the debts I’m due, and I can’t anymore, so fuck it.” Instead I’ve always been this “okay, this person has been there for me, so no matter how many a times he/she is a total jerk asshole, I’m going to bear it out and stick out for them” girl.
It’s only this year that I realized how important it was for me to let these people go, no literally, shut them off, throw them out, whatever. Not because they were bad people, no they weren’t, but because our frequencies couldn’t match anymore.
We stumble upon strangers and choose them as friends because they match our wavelengths or in some ways, connect to us on a whole different level.
But it doesn’t mean that you get to keep them forever and force their existence in your life. You’ve to ask yourself – is a friendship/relationship even a friendship/relationship when it starts feeling like a mountain on your back? When it starts getting exhausting? When you’re in a table full of people who are having dumb judgemental conversations, and you’re just sitting there smiling through your way because you’ve to be there for some reason, looking at your watch and wondering when the hell would you be outta here?
There have been so many a times that I’ve had to be around people just because of one friend whose company I don’t even enjoy and I come home feeling exhausted and utterly feeling “what a waste of time”. Sometimes, I have pitied myself as to why I would let myself go through such a strenuous process?
And it’s only this year that I realized that I do not owe anyone anything, that I do not have to be supportive to anyone other than me, that the only thing that I owe is to this world that keeps supplying endless opportunities my way with endless people. It’s only this year I realized that in the process of building myself as a person who I can respect, I have to not let myself down to prevent ‘not letting others down.’
As this year ends, please take out time to introspect and find the holes of toxicity.
You don’t have to start shooting those holes already. Take your time. But please be aware of them. So, the coming year you save yourself the time and energy of recognizing those bullets points and suffering. So, the coming year, is spent in making you bulletproof.
Well, here’s to that.
Now that a result of the catastrophe is out, are you the boastful winner and your boyfriend the sulky loser or vice versa? Are you having every day, never ending, resentful debates that are making you wonder whether the election or your life is a jest? Well, guess what, you’re not the only one suffering from this plight! Relationships are being broken off, or being given ultimatums to, or in the worst case scenarios being screamed into tears everyday just because couples forgot to stick to these wise commandments.
- ACCEPT EACH OTHER’S VIEWS
You cannot change yours or your man’s views and opinions. Instead of attacking him and taking your shit to another level, it is always more advisable to accept the reality rather than doing permanent damage. Respect each other’s perspective maybe?
- BE SUBTLE
Now when you are aware that both of you do not share a common ground, instead of fuelling the fire and throwing a barrage of accusations, you might want to be subtle with your words. You may ask point blank questions as an alternative, but be sure not to sound derogatory.
- FORM SOME GROUND RULES
You can lay some basic rules with your partner about the territories you can touch and the ones which are off-limits while having a political discussion. A good tip- Always take time outs between arguments instead of continuing them for hours. The prolonged hours of anxiety builds up worst reactions than normally expected.
- DO NOT GO TO BED ANGRY
Make sure that no matter whether it is 2 am or 2 pm, you resolve a conflict rather than sleeping it off. Because chances are that things might get to “Tell him to make his own coffee”, “Ask her to take the dog out for a walk” when you wake up.
- ASK YOURSELF IF IT IS WORTH IT
You need to realize if having polar opposite political views is that big a factor to you, if it is more important than your family, or your kids, or your faiths and beliefs. You have to be clear on these terms and ask clarity from your partner’s point as well. Because, if it’s not worth it, then neither is the need to endure these painful conversations.
- AVOID FRIENDS AND COMPANY WHO MAKE IT A POINT TO TALK ABOUT POLITICS
You’d rather steer clear of anyone who drags you and your partner into a political debate. It’s not going to be a pretty sight when you talk about it with friends, instead might get uglier, considering there would be too many people around encouraging your view points.
- TRY TO STEP INTO EACH OTHER’S SHOES
It is always better to go to roots than fishing out on the surface. Find out the cause of their beliefs, ask what makes them defend or oppose views and try to analyse why he/she is the way he/she is. If you accomplish to understand from where their thoughts are originated, it should be easy peezy from there on.
- REALIZE THAT YOUR PARTNER IS NOT BAD
Or stupid to have opinions which aren’t homogeneous with yours. Make sure it is not the sole criteria of how you start viewing your partner or your relationship. If you do not want to head towards the doom, you have to work on not making your partner feel as if he is a fool for having his own outlooks. You cannot invalidate his feelings as an exchange for boosting up your ego.
- SEPARATE YOUR PERSONAL AND POLITICAL VIEWS
Do not bring in personal accusations or “You did this two years ago”, “You said that last Christmas” from the past. It is not going to help you win the argument instead bring about new things to the surface to fight upon.
- SEEK THERAPY
If you feel that things are getting out of control and the relationship is going towards a dead end, it is always better to seek help from someone professional who is neutral towards your beliefs rather than talking to friends and family. After all, not every relationship bumps can be fixed by two people alone and it is completely okay to have differences and have your own ways and paths to fix things.
It just doesn’t make sense. They say they’re gonna stick with you, through the good and the bad. And the minute things turn ugly, they’re already making their way to the door. It just doesn’t make sense.
They say they want to see the best and the worst side of you. But they won’t accept it after it’s shown to them. It just doesn’t make sense.
You’ve had conversations with them about your insecurities and abandonment issues and they’d still pull out stunts that threatens that.
I know, it just doesn’t make sense. None of it does.
But, one day, it’ll.
Because if they hadn’t done all this, you’d have never known that they weren’t “THE ONE”. Because the one, the right one, wouldn’t do this. They wouldn’t do this to hurt you, or exploit your weakness, they wouldn’t give up on you, no matter how hard it gets, they’d always come back, no matter how ugly it gets, they’d know your worth when they have you, and not after they’ve driven you crazy to the point the you’ve left.
And you wouldn’t know the difference if you weren’t on the receiving end of the worst, if you weren’t the one being taken for granted every single day, you wouldn’t know the difference if you hadn’t felt like a piece of shit. So if you’re out there, feeling hopeless and worthless, just know that, you’re being prepared for what you asked for, that is , “the right one”.
So take this as a learning, get back up, fight it, stand tall and keep hoping . Because this isn’t the end .And it certainly isn’t just it .It’ll make sense.
Don’t be scared that there won’t be any better than this, don’t be scared to get out of an emotionally abusive relationship just because you think you won’t get any better, because you’ll get BETTER and not because you deserve it, but because you fought for it.
Leave what doesn’t make you happy and fight for what does. It will make sense with the RIGHT ONE. It has to . BECAUSE then you’d know that you didn’t fight this war for nothing.
And this certainly, isn’t nothing.
More articles on – http://www.puckermob.com/contributors/meehika-barua
Of course you get ample opportunities and choices to take a pick for your future squad when you have 200 classmates (and like over a thousand batch mates?) that you can bond over in various language clubs or extra-curricular activities, without worrying much about your general image in college of being a ‘snob’ or a ‘bookworm’ or a ‘high handy know it all’. But what to do when you are compacted into a classroom of just 40 students who happen to have a pre-conceived notion about you (in other words – they Do Not like You At ALL)? Considering the options – a.) You change your college b.) You do nothing about it and cry your nights out because of the mean girls (college version –sigh!) c.) You turn the table and take matters in your own hands.
So if, in the name of sanity and everything that’s holy you choose the last one, here are some hand-outs as to how to deal with this mid-life crisis you’re experiencing in your last teens.
Well well well, as Blair Waldorf once quoted – “Forget Boys. Keep your eyes on the prize. YOU CAN’T MAKE PEOPLE LOVE YOU, BUT YOU CAN MAKE THEM FEAR YOU.” (Since fear isn’t an option here, let’s first stick to – respect you?)
- Pick out one or two loyal mates from your class
You need your class to like you. In order to do that you will need at least one or two allies who you can trust, considering the entire class is pretty much going to ignore you. So first things first, pick out those goody good people you think will stick out for you.
- Forget Groupies
Of course, everyone has their groups and of course, no group likes you. So you need to select one person from each group and start bonding with them. That’s how you break it up, one step at a time.
- Hangout with other batch mates
This gives them the idea that there is nothing wrong with you and that you are equally and completely like-able!
- Find your area of interest and excel in it
This is really important because when they think that you’re a ‘good for nothing’, you can actually prove them wrong by outshining them. Whether it’s joining the debate club or playing Calpurnia on stage, you really have to be the best !
- Make a very good bond with your seniors
Go to their parties or instead throw them one, but you really need your seniors to be on your side. Nor will it only earn you extra points in the long run, but will make your haters realize that you don’t need them to have an ultimate college experience!
- Dress well
Believe it or not, your attire speaks a lot about your personality. It’s not about being fashionable. Just be presentable. Avoid wearing anything that does not suit your personality or body. Because if you do not take yourself seriously, no one else will.
- Rise above
If people treat you like shit, it defines them, not you. The way you treat people defines you, not them. Always regard others the way you’d like to be regarded. How they treat you is up to them and not you. Rise above, because you can.
- Keep up your grades
Trust me; no one likes a sloppy party animal who cannot get their shit together. Maintain a balance. You cannot afford to flunk subjects that makes you look more like a loser in front of your peers.
- Spend time with your family
This might sound a little off-track but spending time with your family not only makes you feel good, but also teaches you not to depend on others for your happiness, considering you are getting love from the right place. It is only when we do not get love from the right places, that we start searching for it in the wrong ones.
- Pay encourage-able compliments
Paying compliments that are on the superficial level would only result in making you look like a total fake! Instead of telling them you like their dress or bracelet, go for something more natural and productive like “Hey! I love your music” or “Hey! I stumbled upon your art work yesterday, they’re gorgeous!”
- Date a guy with a good job
We all remember that high school golden rule of dating the senior football captain! That’s exactly why it is called a golden rule! It never goes out of style. Date a guy who makes you proud and is keen on taking his responsibilities. Not only does it speak about your taste, but about your sensibility as well. (You can’t date trashy college going boys anymore!)
- Get out of your comfort zone
Your comfort zone is the size of your shoe, and the world is as big as your college campus. You really need to get out there to make things happen. Talk to people, be out-spoken and straight forward, and develop good speaking skills. Do not be a ‘little damsel in distress’!
- Listen more
It goes without saying- Talk less, listen more. You don’t want to be babbling rubbish without knowledge and look daft.
- Do not be judgemental
If you do not want people to be judging you according to your image, you owe them the same. Always remember – Perceptions can be deceptive!
- Don’t trust everybody
Last but not the least; you don’t know anyone’s true intentions until you are facing it. So do not trust people easily. They might be planning your next downfall while sipping that coffee along with you. Don’t give them a chance to use anything against you.
With these pointers in mind, you’re good to go! All you have to do is be patient and hold your head high. You don’t build mountains overnight. And please do not pity yourself; you do not owe anyone anything. Be a badass!
For further posts of mine, please visit http://www.puckermob.com/contributors/meehika-barua
It’s easier to grow without a father than to grow with a father who isn’t a father to you. Our daddies play a crucial part in our life. No matter how strong or amazing or tough your mother is, you always need your daddy, she can never fill up those big shoes. A mother cannot be a father and a father cannot be a mother. Those two are very different roles. Growing up with a father who is completely opposite of an ideal father, who is selfish to his needs, who has never been there for you, who has never treated your mother the way she deserves, who has never rode you on his back like his princess or made you feel secured enough, or has never protected you enough, makes you not only vulnerable, but really destroys your emotional backbone. Coming from a broken home, it’s a totally different drill. You’re not getting the love from the right places, so you try to find it in everything. You trust too quick, you love too much, your insecurities are too deep, your instincts too far.
It’s not only about being vulnerable; it’s not about falling for every other guy who bats his eye lashes on you, it’s not about wanting a lot of attention, it’s about your father never being there for you, the fact that your dad hasn’t ever been good to you, until and unless it came with a motive. So the minute someone else does something nice out of his way for you , you feel like you don’t deserve it and you need to question it, or that he has some ulterior motive for being nice to you, or that you owe him really big for doing something generous. Having daddy issues really screws with your mindset and the ways you perceive things.
And then there is always the fear of finding his habits in someone you love. That’s really scary. Or discovering that you might be a little like him. That’s scarier. Because you grew up with this monster who has done nothing but wrecked your life. You have seen the pathetic habits, the lack of any responsibility, the careless attitude. And then You see your friend’s dads , you see how much they love and care about their daughters and you wonder whatever you sinned, to get a dad like yours, to not have a real father for father’s day when all your friends are posting pictures on social networking sites about how amazing their fathers are.
This exactly is why girls with daddy issues expect too much out of their man. Because they never had anyone to look up to during their growing years, they never had any man in their life whom they could respect immensely, they never knew how guys are supposed to treat women. This is also the reason why so many girls hang on to relationships that don’t make them happy, why they can’t let go of partners who are emotionally abusive, they stick to guys who don’t deserve them, they expect so much out of their boyfriends that it freaks out the guy and he leaves, because honestly, having daddy issues not only makes you feel worthless, but also renders you clueless about who you are, where you stand and what you deserve. When you don’t have a protecting father who doesn’t stay up late nights until you get home safe, when you don’t have a big strong hand holding you, worrying that you might fall, when you don’t have a man telling you how precious you are, and what all you deserve, when you don’t have a tall and fearless figure beside whom you can hide, you’re pretty much out there on your own without a backbone and growing without a backbone pretty much flaws you in a number of ways. You’re too dependent, too scared, too caring, too much of everything.
So, this is for every guy out there who knows or doesn’t know about his girl’s daddy issues, trust me when I say this, it’s not easy. It’s not easy for her. She’d have been more laid back if she could, she’d have been more secure if she could, and she’d expect less if she could. But the reason she is this way, the reason she is all dark and twisty, is because she has seen too much. It isn’t a flaw, it’s a strength. She knows that whatever happens, she will get through the worst, because she has survived the worst. She still has hope. It makes her who she is. So if you cannot understand why she is the way she is, if you can’t sit with her, listen to her childhood and understand her struggles, if you cannot be patient enough and accept her darkness as a part of the bright colours she paints, if you cannot stand strong and sturdy like a tree through a wind, then please do not stay. Because she is too good and she is too forgiving to throw you out. If she can forgive her dad for all the wrongs that he has done and still can hope that one day he realizes what he has done, then she’d see you in the same light.
So please, don’t take advantage of that like her father did. Please don’t be that man that he is. Because one day, when she wakes up and finds out that you did the same what he did to her, she’d still forgive you, but you might never be able to forgive yourself.
So, if you’re not up for that burden, don’t take it up.
For further posts of mine, please visit http://www.puckermob.com/contributors/meehika-barua
Ever since we were kids, we learnt to cover it up. You bruise your knee; cover it up with a bandage. Your parents find out something unacceptable, make up a lie, and cover it up. Your arms are too fat, wear lose fitting clothes, cover it up. Before we know it, covering it up became an answer to everything. It might not solve anything, but yet we cover it up. You won’t learn to take precautions, to own up to mistakes and not lie, to exercise and keep yourselves fit, the crux is that humans won’t do what is necessarily essential and what the situation demands, because we have an option that is less risky, which makes us look less like an idiot, which is a short cut, that is our “ cover it up” option.
But what happens when you are bleeding inside? When you are hurting inside? When all you want to do is scream and cry and feel like a piece of shit? What do you do then? How do you cover that up? When your heart is hurting from a betrayal or abandonment? Or simply because you finally realize that you place your worth in the hands of someone who was absolutely worthless. What do you do then? How do you cover that up? Is it through smiling at those shutterbugs that you later post on your social media to give them a message that you’re much better without them? Or is It through finding a rebound just to give your heart a solace that maybe they come back to you seeing you happy with someone else? Or is it through finishing bottles of vodka tonic that you wake up with terrible hangovers having no idea about the people you spent your evenings with?
Why are we so afraid of reality? Why do we have to cover it up? Okay, you are sick to the bottom of your stomach , it’s disgusting to feel this way, you feel like you are going to die with the amount of sorrows you are dealing with, I know that. But you cannot be overly joyed and happy throughout your life, every single day, and every single second. That’s not mental health, that’s crap. And covering it up with the wrong means is a bigger load of crap.
I am not saying that covering it up isn’t required. Your wounds will make you bleed to death if you do not do something about them. But, you have to realize the difference between temporary and permanent covering. There is no point, absolutely no point, doing more damage than good. There is no point smiling and laughing doing things you hate doing, just to cover up your sorrows or to prove something to someone. It’s like doing a heart transplant on someone who needs a brain surgery. There is no point. And the sooner you realize that, find the source of your pain, do what is actually necessary, the sooner you take responsibility and decide to cover it up positively, permanently, sustainably, the better you are going to get every day. I promise. Until then, you are going to have to feel like this.
There are times in life where you have to stay put during the worst of the storms. You have to sit it out and hope for the best rather than running in the opposite direction and hurting yourself. My advice – START SMALL. I am not going to give you a load of therapy talk saying read your favourite books, or go for a walk by yourself, maintain a journal or take up a hobby that’s painting or music etcetera etcetera. That’s for you to decide, however you want to proceed. All I am saying is , start small, have patience and courage, and do not give up. You don’t build up mountains in a day. Start small and continue the gradual slope. It’s going to take a lot of time, a hell lot of time, but hey, at least it is towards something that will be worth it in the end right? Something that will count? Like doing a brain surgery on someone who actually needs one? You see what I mean?
For more of my articles, please visit http://www.puckermob.com/contributors/meehika-barua
Hey Guys! So I am a blogger (not a pro yet though). I mostly write about anything and everything, helps me be in sync with my readers. So I am going to be publishing a lot of my articles here and attaching the links to my various other blog posts. Feel free to hit me up regarding feedback and suggestions!